Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License. What if his real possibility of love existed with the person his best friend had just dumped?
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Would he then be as uptight about the rules he laid out in black ink? Would he then be as afraid to tread upon the precarious grey paths? But more on that later. Of course, I understand that rationalists shall subject my justification to a demand and supply rule but the principles of economics are far too weak to mute the voice of the heart. And what exactly is this right approach? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex?
Gauge the significance of your friendship and the importance of a potential romance. After you realize that you cannot give away your chance, you need to load up your friendship and the potential relationship on a weighing scale and see where the scale tips. Remember the golden rule: Whether or not you decide to go ahead with the ex, your feelings shall change your friendship, regardless.
After carefully introspecting the pros and cons of both courses of action, it is important that you understand the stakes and wager a suitable bet. The closer you are to your friend, the higher the stakes. No matter your choice, there is no complete win or loss. But it is important that you understand that there is a possibility of diffused friendship as well as a likelihood that the ex shall still carry a torch for your friend. Give the situation some time, show respect for their feelings, detonate any possibility of backlash or angry outbursts or sounding plain scandalous, and help your friend recover and heal.
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It is only after time has had some ticks to nurse their wounds that you can charge ahead. However, if you realize that there is a possibility of their getting back together and that the two of them are reconsidering the fallout and deciding to work things out by giving their equation another chance, you may want to step back. If an analysis of all the factors stated above result in a green signal, then going ahead is advisable, albeit with caution.
Really, go and ask if it is okay that you want to date their ex. Ask them for permission in a gentle and soothing way without rubbing them the wrong way. It is an imposed decision. My reply involved "talking" because a previous poster said that OP should have asked permission from this woman's ex before even talking to her. I'm sure it is incredibly emotionally difficult.
My ex girlfriend was devastated when she found out that I watch porn. I have a friend that got upset with me because I dated someone of a different ethnicity, too. People get upset about all manner of things that don't actually involve them. I believe in giving them the space to get over their feelings, versus allowing their feelings to dictate my behavior.
You just don't fool around with your good friends ex this soon without running it by him first.
Or, at least OP does. Bro code, all that stuff. OP's friend needs to get over that relationship.
It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex, and this is why | Metro News
Do I think that this woman is playing OP off her ex? Those are the actual issues OP needs to be looking out for. Her motives, and her readiness for whatever rapport he's building. His friend's feelings about a relationship in which he is not a part shouldn't be a concern for OP. I would suggest not thinking of it as "asking permission" so much as being a compassionate and considerate human being. You aren't "asking permission to talk to someone", you're basically asking permission to purposefully and willfully thrust someone into an extremely uncomfortable and potentially life-long situation.
I'm all for being compassionate and considerate. Letting his friend know, "Hey Deciding to avoid a possibly positive relationship with this woman because her ex is still coming to terms sounds less like compassion and more like sacrifice to me. I'm not a fan of sacrifice, nor of people that require it in order for us to be on good terms.
His friend who might not even give a shit His energy is best spent getting over the passing of that relationship and building a new one with someone else. You can't have your cake and eat it too. What you're describing is this fantasy where OP's friend can spend time "getting over" the relationship while being thrust into her presence and the knowledge that she's sleeping with a trusted friend. For some people, many people, that would directly impede the process. And many people would also consider it the whole POINT of friendship to assist rather than impede in those situations.
If they were coworkers or strangers or something, I would get it. People who see each other and trust each other regularly? It's a strange definition of a friendship to just say "hey, if you want, I can allow you to exclude yourself because I can get something positive out of this despite knowing it causes negativity for you" and call it a friendship.
Now, I agree that there is a chance OP's friend doesn't even care. And that would be great , but OP has clearly stated that is not the case in his other posts. You're right that the guy isn't dating either of them. But most people have a common thread between their intimate and social relationships.
Couples go on trips together, etc. It's just myopic to say "he's not sleeping with either of them so his experience is not of concern to his friend. If friends were people who don't consider your feelings, then we'd all have about 7 billion friends. I'm describing a scenario where his friend knows what he's walking into and can either swing by and deal, or decide he's not emotionally ready and stay home. Well, it depends on who you think is responsible for the feelings and who's responsible for seeing to them OP dating this woman isn't causing issues for his friend. Besides, how's that a bad message?
It's basically, "Hey -- heads up. I made a choice that doesn't involve you, but you might feel a way. Your call how you handle that. I'm pretty secure, I don't struggle with jealousy. One of my friends has been interested in TWO of my exes now. My words were, "Hey I hope it works out better for you than me And that's because I don't like them as people and don't want to be around them. If it were someone that I was fine with, they can do whatever, they can both hang out, and it's fine for me. You're equating consideration of feelings to capitulation to them.
Of course, OP is considering his friend's feelings. If he didn't give a shit, he wouldn't be here. The original post is proof of consideration of his friends feelings. And if OP goes forward, then he considered his friends feelings and decided that hsi own feelings, and those of the woman he'd like to date are much more important to him than his friend's feelings about a relationship that, again, he isn't part of.
Unfortunately, that's not the case. OP was the individual in the recently ended 7 year relationship. His post is misleading because he was looking for insight. His friend did not contact him or consider his feelings whatsoever and slept with his ex of 7 years. Just thought I would inform you since it makes the last 3 paragraphs moot. But yes I would agree you're abnormal.
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Though it's interesting you are suggesting this has anything to do with jealousy. You are right, I am trying to gain outside perspective into the actions of others. Their claim is that it had nothing to do with me and should not involve me in any way and that because I now know and they feel I shouldn't, that I should just ignore it.
They seem to think that because it seemed over then it was ok.
I can forgive this as being a bad decision, but I am currently having trouble accepting them not being able to say "Even though our actions were not meant to hurt you, they did and we are sorry that our actions caused you hurt. Yeah, if a friend gets together with his best friends ex when they were together for 7 years that is a complete douche move. It's possible that you've got an uncommon romance on your hands.
Maybe this is your future wife, or muse, or whatever it is that you're looking for. If this is the case, you'd be missing out on years of potential passion if you passed up on this girl for the sake of sparing your friends' feelings. Like I said, this is a tough one. You've got a hell of a decision to make. Accordingly, you should treat this like any other important decision, which is to say that you should get as much information as possible.
First, be real with yourself. Is this girl really special to you? Is there actually an uncommon reaction between you — some sort of deep compatibility that's worth alienating your friend for? Or is she just an attractive person who finds you attractive, too? Those two things are so, so easily confused. Approach these questions with the maximum possible skepticism about yourself. If you feel fluttery every time you talk to a pretty girl, keep that in mind. If you're currently lonely and you really need to get laid, consider that maybe you're just desperate.
And dwell on the fact that some of your excitement might just come from the taboo nature of this potential relationship, because, like everyone else, you want what's off-limits. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that your crush on this girl is just like any other crush.
Be prepared for consequences you might not like
It's a fun illusion, which, if pursued, might reveal a great relationship, or might not. Odds are, that's what this is, in which case you should probably just sigh, move on, and hit up your online dating site of choice, where you can find lots of other crush-worthy women. I found out about this the hard way, in a similar situation.
Tom, one of my childhood friends, was always kind of bummed out, until he met Josie, a fast-talking, high-energy woman who brought him out of his shell. They had a sparkling relationship — they were one of those couples that just radiated warm, gooey, nauseating passion — and I was super envious of it. Also, obviously, Josie was an outrageously foxy person: There was only one weird thing about her, which is that I would occasionally catch her looking at me a little funny.